Thursday, November 29, 2007

e·mo·tion (ĭ-mō'shən) n.
1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.
2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance.
3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility.

Emotions really are annoying and not that helpful. I don't know what to do with them most of the time. The up and down and loop dee loops are only fun for a while. I don't know how to balance the seesaw and its annoying. I have come up with a list of emotions that have recently filled my days. They also happen to be the ones that flummox me the most.
1- Boredom. The inside of my house is only fun for so long. I have images in my head of me with a saddle and three kids hanging off of it. I know its my life stage and it goes quickly and I'll be sad when its gone. blah blah blah
2 - Rage. I must have some deep seeded aggression that makes me want to bite Sean for no reason (I did say bite). I found what I lost yesterday only after wanting to throw Griffins T-ball game ball through the kitchen window.
3 - Unpursued. Life happens and people are busy and no one thinks about me as much as I do and somehow it annoys me that my happiness is not the most important part of everyone else's day.
4 -Discontent. I have been on about every side of the fence and why does it still seem that wherever I am not there is green grass.
5 - Anticipation. My day seems to pass with me waiting for the best part to happen. So often the most exciting part is the walk to the mailbox.

I wonder if I should keep this all in my head...
But I guess if there is no emotion there is no love, hope, familiarity, togetherness, desire, courage, optimism, surprise, acceptance, delight, longing, honor. There must be a way to live in the middle, lean to an appropriate emotional side now and again but return to a balanced, upright, unconsumed way. The roller coaster is finally making me sick.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

what do I have to do to seem smart?
why do I care?
does street
or book
win a brainy battle?
big words can be misused,
misspelled by anyone.
is it more than writing a poem?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Monday, November 19, 2007

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful, creative, imaginative, loving, silly, compassionate, friendly, adorable - I mean handsome -, fun, sensitive, thoughtful, honest, caring boy on the planet. I am better because I met this little man 7 years ago.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I don't know how my heart hasn't exploded yet...

Friday, November 09, 2007

If you would talk to me this morning, you'd know I am giddy. I am headed to Michigan with my husband today, alone, with no kids. And my insides are flipping.
I just have to get my eyeballs poked first by a neuro-ophthamologist. Luckily my doctor told me that is a cross between a neurologist and an ophthamologist, thank goodness because I had no idea.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

"I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
I heard a friend talking about this the other night. This is noteworthy because it is the third time I have heard someone talk about this and it led to the hundredth conversation about it in the last two weeks. (I can't go any further without pointing out that after a ridiculously long time, I have figured out how to link something.) It is from the third chapter of the first book of the bible. Adam and Eve have just realized their nakedness after they ate the fruit they had been instructed not to eat. I think that this is at least a recognizable story for most people, I think most people have heard of the Garden of Eden and know about the apple eating.
I am fascinated by the thought of this and the repercussions it has had on us as a world full of people who most likely have relationships with other people. The tree that the fruit came from was the tree that would open their eyes so they'd be like God, knowing good and evil. That is all info that they received from, and believed, that a sneaky snake told them.
As they ate, they realized not only their lack of clothes. At that time, they realized the nakedness of their bodies and their emotions, their souls. So we all want to blame Eve for giving Adam the apple, giving us pain in childbirth, etc etc etc but so much more happened in that bite. Blame started flying, as did guilt and shame. Because of that, they did what they could to cover up what seemed to need covering up, their bodies, their heart and their relationships. Humans began hiding. We started hiding everything we knew about us from anything we thought we knew about anyone else.
In the last few years, the buzz word in churches and Christian circles has been authenticity. While I am all for it and think it is good and necessary and important blah blah blah, I think it is a little dangerous. For a long time, I had some friends who were so "authentic" and real and genuine and I was striving for authenticity in my life.
There are things that we hide behind, every single one of us. We hide behind fear of just about everything, rejection, losing control, being in control, what other people think, we hide behind guilt, image, being exposed and the flip side of every one of those. It is all hidden behind a mask that we wear thinking no one else can see our mask and we are safe behind it. While that may be true, when we wear a mask, no one can see our face, our smile, our eyes, our tears, our scars, our joy.
I have found that in my life, I was able to hide very well. I hid from everyone I came into contact with until I became authentic. I was very authentic and relevant and more of a fraud than when I was hiding. It was hard work keeping up with what was my authentic self. I have found that it is hard keep up a front regardless of what is behind it, healthy person, image of healthy person, or incredibly unhealthy, addicted, shameful, hurt, afraid person. I was playing a character with the role of being authentic.
I wonder what would happen if we took off our masks and used that energy to connect in a real life, bonded, healthy friendships, if we genuinely loved people without the hope of anything in return. It is telling to watch the way someone interacts with another person who can do nothing for them. It is too hard to be a character.
So I guess this is what people were doing being authentic. Maybe I am just learning what real authenticity means. Give me a few years and I'll catch up, I'll learn how to email soon.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I often wonder if I put too much emphasis on being funny. Before our first son was even born, my hope was that he'd not only be funny, but that he'd be fun and fun to be around. I definitely know my kids are crazy, they come by that naturally. Every once in a while they are funny, legitimately funny.

Griffin is thinking about what he wants to be when he grows up. So far we have narrowed it down to a professional skateboarder, an astronaut or a professional joke teller. He has been working on an original joke with Sean and it goes like this...
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Um, I don't know, why?"
"To get to the other side."
As he tells the joke, Sean is encouraging him to add, "Hello?" to the punchline. So when he remembers, he adds the hello but the sarcasm isn't dripping from him yet as it does from his parents.

Over the weekend he was thinking about some new material. This is what he's come up with so far.
"Why did the pencil cross the road?"
"Hmmm, I don't know."
"To get to Pennsylvania, hello!"
I'm not sure this is a legitimately funny time but we are making progress.