Friday, December 29, 2006
Our house is divided, the girls from the boys because of a little thing called Conjunctivitis. Parker and I have fallen victim to the EYE. Now we are trying to keep the male type Murphy's from catching it which in my mind, seems impossible. I guess there will be lots of hand washing, no rubbing eyeballs, and X's quarantined from Y's.
Perhaps I can use this time to do nothing and love it. I just gave Parker and I our drops though and now it is running down the back of my throat and tastes SICK, I guess if she can take it I can.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Things seem to be winding down at my house. Today we started taking the Christmas decorations down including the tree. I had a twinge of sadness but for the most part, I don't love Christmastime. So there is something comforting to me as things begin to return to whatever normal is.
There is security in normalcy for me. I love knowing what most days have in store. I love waking up hearing Sean getting ready for work. I love peeking in on my kids before the day starts...
I started this thinking I was going to go talk about our new bedding. It is the best. Man, its awesome. We got a down comforter, a new coverlet, sheets and pillows and this bedding will rival any ensemble you throw at me. As I have said before, I am always on a quest for the perfect bed as Sean is always on a quest for mac and cheese like Ted Jackson made. OK anyways, I just wanted to tell you this is the best, most comfortable, most secure bed. But as I started, I realized I have control issues, and have said I a lot. I also know I have been so annoying lately and can't seem to figure out why. I have slipped into pieces of my old self, a person who is incredibly insecure, can't decide a thing, and who is always worried about what/thinks everyone is thinking about her. Does knowing this make it any better?
I want things the way I want them when I want them. I need to know things will return to what I knew of them when all the chaos is over. I think I need to ease up on the expectations I have. I put expectations on my friends, my family, my kids, myself and when they aren't met, I get thrown into a tailspin. Which is part of why I think holidays are not so great for me. I have such huge ideas of what I want it to be like and it rarely is. In fact, when it is over, I sigh and think, "Hmmm, this is it, this is what it was all about."
I am going to go crawl into the best bed in the tri-state with the best husband in the tri-state and think through this some more because I'm not even sure how to end this...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I had never gone anywhere close to a mall as a shopper the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas...until today. I think I just wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. I have some friends who go shopping the day after Thanksgiving and/or the day after Christmas. I just don't think I get it.
Today I went out in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I thought I'd get a plasma tv for $.35 and a car for $6 and free clothes for my kids and I just couldn't find those. I didn't realize all I'd find were some 1/2 off ornaments and Santa dog sweaters. I also didn't realize that in order to go shopping that early in the morning, you need to be grumpy, run your cart into people and complain how crowded the store is. At least I can say I have experienced this phenomenon.
I think next year I'll stay cuddled in my bed, under the sheets I bought this morning.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
After a busy morning, there is little I like more than putting on comfy clothes. If only I were putting on overalls...
What happened to the overalls? They were the single greatest, most comfortable, good for anyone attire. I loved the overalls.
I miss you denim bibs...
Friday, December 15, 2006
We have some best friends of life we have known close to 10 years. Since the day we met them, we have loved them. Life gets busy and schedules fill up so lots of our time together is over the telephone wires.
But not tonight! Tonight we get to see them, eat dinner with them and just be with them. I can't wait. I love these people, love them. My husband loves them, Cooper and Parker love them. But of all of us, I don't know if any of us love them the way Griffin does. Griffin and Maddy have been buddies since they were born. Griffin still emphatically declares his love for her and talks of their marriage. Both kids say they want to marry each other but they don't want to have to kiss. If given the choice of playmates, he will always pick Maddy first.
Because of their love, I have realized I am all for arranged marriages. With the track record of marriages lately, I think a little wisdom and experience of people a little further down the road is so valuable. I find the same in my parenting too. I want my children to listen to me and learn from the crap I've done and trust me that they don't know better than me. I want them to be safe and I want them to be healthy and protected and I feel like I can probably see things differently than they can. When heartbreak comes, I want to say, "I know your heart hurts. You are 14, you will be ok." And when school gets in the way, I want to say, "Press on, this is so much more important than hanging at the mall." When a soccer match is lost, I want to say, "Oh honey, I know this stinks but you are so much more than a soccer player." I guess I want to let them know I have been there, I know what its like and I want to tell them, "Believe me, I know life hurts, I've been there. But trust me, I am on your side, I love you and I am looking at the bigger picture."
This time of year reminds me of the crux of my faith, Jesus being born into this world. On a tiny, tiny scale, my love for my kids represents the way God feels about every person on this Earth. Every person, no matter what, regardless of dumb stuff we may or may not have done. Every person whether "good" or "bad". Every person going to church on Sunday or not. He really knows better than I and sees my whole life when I see today. Maybe sometime in the next couple weeks, think about it.
"You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High." Luke 1:31-32
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
There are reasons for the legging, I'm sure, but I have no idea what they are. Aside from exercising in the privacy of your own home as to not expose others to the tightness of your pantaloons and/or wearing comfy clothes to clean the toilets in, I can't come up with anything. I realize Flashdance and A Chorus Line initiated the craze but do we really need to keep it alive?
The only way to make them worse is to attach stirrups to their bottoms. From one extreme of the body type to the other, they are just plain unflattering. Somewhere, there is someone who thinks this is the way to go, just not AMDesigns and for that reason, a big thumbs down. Why wear things that cling so tightly? Perhaps that's the point.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I got a much needed email today from a special girl. She and her bf own huge pieces of my heart, they were two tough ones to say bye to when we left PA.
I wonder what makes them so special. I wonder how relationships work. I wonder what makes certain people click with other people. Why are some people so easily forgotten when others make my heart hurt when I think of how much I miss them? What makes some people so easy to love?
For whatever reason, Sean and I have found ourselves loving these two. Sean and I desperately want them land here someday. Sean even took them on a tour of UC with the hopes of giving them some Catitude. So fellow Cincinnati peeps, I need you to help convince them to take the leap and become Buckeyes. What makes OH so much better than PA?
I miss you guys...xoxoxo
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I realized today that I owe cold weather and snow an apology.
My issue isn't so much with the snow and the cold weather. If you've been to my house, you know I like it cold. My issue however, is with the lack of sunshine. I find that winter steals the sun and replaces it with gray, bland crap and because of that, my anger has been displaced. So snow, I'm sorry. Perhaps we can get together for some sort of fight in the next few months.
I function so much better when it is sunny outside regardless of the temperature. I just want to have the sun shining on me and the promise of spring to get me through the winter. So if someone could just get on that...
Monday, December 04, 2006
Griffin, Cooper, Parker, Peggy, Susan and I just got back from Sharon Woods and seeing the Holiday in Lights. Sharon Woods is such a great place no matter what time of year but last night was awesome. We drove through the park and looked at thousands and thousands and thousands of Christmas lights and displays.
I definitely have mixed feelings about Christmas-time. She and I have a love/hate relationship. But tonight I loved her. I got to see my kids eyes literally lit up with wonder and excitement. Griffin was screaming out the window, "This is awesome!" We set no land speed records as we crept through the park and even backed up at times to look at things twice. We all took turns sharing what our favorite display was, there was everything from a candy cane ferris wheel, to a sledding bunny. There were dozens of Santas and snowy snowing snowflakes.
Coopers favorite without a doubt, was the airplanes. One was flying with a bag of presents and his favorite favorite was the Santa flying the plane and dropping presents to the ground. For the entire ride, he just kept saying, "Ooooooooh!" and "Ohhhhhhhhh!" He would clap his little hands and cheer for these lights that in his little life, were magical, but in my adult reality, it was lights along a road that reminded me of all the stuff I have to do in the next few weeks. It did wonders for my heart that is so caught up in my junk, my worry, my stress to be able to watch my kids enjoy something so simple.
There is much to be said about the mind of a child. Trust, enjoyment and fun are exactly that, love comes so easily. I realize in so many ways I need to adopt the ways of my kids, I don't want to stay a child, I want to grow up and do grown up things. But at times, I think we could all stand to remember the simplicity, innocence and pure joy of being a child.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I hear there is a big game tonight. I also hear there are a few different rules in place for tonight. There is a new one beer per person per transaction rule, beer sales will stop at the end of the third quarter and the stadium is opening a 1/2 hour earlier than normal. And the new policies are in place until further notice during all prime time games. I wonder who is imposing the new rules, the NFL, the stadium, the Bengals, the prime time TV people?
What are these new policies supposed to do? Is whoever implementing the new rules to control fan behavior while watching the games? Its not like NFL fans are watching a group of stand up guys playing backyard ball with Fuller. I would think that if there is an effort to try to control drug and alcohol consumption and behavior with regard to football, maybe they should start with the guys that play.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
" 'Is homelessness the result of drug abuse and misguided entitlement programs as conservatives claim or did it occur, as liberals agreed because of cuts in social service programs and failure to create economic opportunity for the poor?' asked professor Fuchs.
'Sometimes I think it is neither. I think maybe people get the lives they want.' I answered.
'Are you saying that homeless people want to live on the street? They don't want warm beds and roofs over their heads?'
I said, 'Not exactly. They do. But if some of them were willing to work hard and make compromises, they might not have ideal lives but they could make ends meet.' "
Those words are from a book I finished last week and have been processing ever since then. In addition to reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, I was listening to the radio yesterday and the host was talking about providing meals for people during the holidays. His question was do we incentivize bad behavior with charity? And I can't help but think that that may be true. I wonder how/if government programs and churches and soup kitchens and shelters keep a balance between caring for people and encouraging personal responsibility. This all should be prefaced with there are clearly health, mental and physical things that can throw any one of us into a situation we couldn't see coming nor would we have any idea how to respond. My thoughts are about those who are able bodied and able minded yet are still recipients. I should also say I am really just thinking though this and don't really know how I feel.
We never know someone else's whole story or even the day they've had, for me to assume I can understand and fix this is silly, I also know I may sound insensitive and un PC. I do know I can have my thoughts and that comes from my 33 year old tome and while it isn't nearly the story of some, I do have some framework to develop my opinions. Having read The Glass Castle, that professor couldn't have been more wrong than to question the author and her thoughts on homelessness.
I know I feel like we live in a time where there is such a huge wave of entitlement. We think we should have what our neighbors have for no other reason except we want it and not because we have worked hard and saved for it. It seems like there is a shift away from getting into the mailroom and working hard to move up.
I guess I am just wondering why are people ok with the status quo? Why would everyone not want to have more from their life? And why are the people that have some so unsatisfied until they have more? I guess those two questions seem like they don't go together but in my head they do.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I realize the Ballet Flats are a fashion hit and a must have for the coming season but I just don't get it. Perhaps it is because I am already short and don't need help feeling shorter. Many of you may be thinking, she isn't that short, but see I have fooled you, I wear tall shoes more than I don't.
These shoes are flattering on so few people that according to AMDesigns, the are a fashion swing and a miss. I have friends that are down with these, I just won't be asking to borrow them.
I am not proposing that we ladies prance around in stilletos all day, that is a whole other Tuesday not to mention they are horrible for your foot and I am sure they conjure up inappropriate things in the minds of some. I am just saying I will be shoveling through the winter in my boots and I invite all of you ladies to put your best tennis shoed foot forward and do the same.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Lets set the scene with the Cooper is sick again bit. He was eating breakfast and I was trying to feed Parker. Griffin was eating breakfast and singing B-I-N-G-O as loud as possible. Cooper started coughing and he threw up all over himself, the table and the floor. I sat still feeding Parker wondering what my plan of action should be, Cooper looks at me and said, "Hi Mommy." I actually thought of finishing Parkers bottle since he didn't seem too miserable. N-G-O is cracking up saying, "HE'S GONNA BLOW!"
I laid Parker down, told Griffin to go get all of the things on his morning list done if for no either reason than to cease the singing and I began to clean up Cooper. And if he isn't already the cutest, he kept handing me paper towels to try to help. I took his diaper off and set him on the floor and as I turned back to the table, I knocked over the juice on the table. I wondered if I knocked it over twice because I still heard dripping on the floor. Well duh, it wasn't juice, it was Cooper peeing on the floor. I heard a cute little sneeze and turned to see a cute little girl covered in the contents of her bottle that Cooper had poured on her. I started to loose my temper, "AW CRAP!" I say. And my 6 year old conscience said, "Mommy, crap is a bad word."
That wasn't the end of my morning, it was a lot grosser etc but enough for innocent readers. Here is why I tell you all of this... I got to have a good week last week with Sean home on vacation. It was like this section my life hit pause and another section hit play. Sean went back to work this morning and my life resumed. I feel like things are spinning out of control, things seem to be chaotic all the time. I guess this is the deal, I guess this is what I do and because I know that this job is what I am supposed to be doing right now, today I am choosing to revamp my attitude. I am going to try to stop with the complaining, with the bad attitude. I am going to try give these kids and my husband what they need, the love and encouragement and support, not the grumpy, moody, snappy mess they've gotten lately. I am going to try to see the good, the right, the excellent and praiseworthy things and quit be annoying and negative. I want to smile more and laugh more and enjoy things more. I had an entire week with Sean home and instead of feeling refreshed and ready for the week, I am back in aw crap mode.
I am sick of myself and am afraid of what is being seen by and modeled to my kids. I want to breathe life into my marriage, my kids, my friends. That just sounds so much more appealing.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I WILL NEVER do that again. It is no reflection on my son or my love for the sport. I love wrestling, I love talking about it, I love watching it, cheering for it, understanding it, getting so caught up in it. I don't love watching practice and I hate wrestling rooms. I don't ever want to set foot in a wrestling room again. It was so hot, it smelled like hot garbage, and the floor was sticky.
There were 75 kids jammed in that room with a dozen middle aged men, all sweating until it dripped off of them onto each other. The coaches were yelling and blowing whistles and clapping and adjusting. This was all at a practice for 5-11 year olds, I'm sure I'd be aghast to know what goes on in HS, College and (sickness) NFL locker rooms.
There is a reason there are separate Men's locker rooms and Women's locker rooms. Women should not be allowed in male locker rooms. I will forever wonder why there are female sports reporters. I had a glimpse into the male species that I need never see again. I will be the loudest cheering, most supportive mom, except for practice, from now on, practices are Sean's arena.
Monday, November 13, 2006
will never be a style I get on board with. No one looks good in skinny jeans. I think they are the devils way to make girls squeeeeeeeeeeze into pants they have no business wearing. If Jessica Alba and Keira Knightley can't pull it off, I defy you to find someone who can. These are a trend that should be thrown into the fashion abyss.
I have become Kathie Lee in the amount that I talk about my kids. And I don't think I will apologize for that. Those little people are three of the greatest, most amazing little creatures in the world. So when one isn't well, I can barely function. Not only is Cooper still feeling awful, Parker is sniffling and Griffins voice sounds like he has smoked for thirty years.
As per usual when there are sick kids, the mommies get up at the crack of dawn to be the first phone call into the doctors office. I did that this morning and the phone answerer person said, "What's the name?" I tell her. "The birth date?" I tell her. "The reason for being seen?" Again I respond with the appropriate information and not by going into how the eye works and translates images to our brain, and she said, "OK the doctor is on vacation all this week."
"Um, ok, sooo, um, can we...I guess try to see someone else?" I am wondering if the vacation information was new for her as well since she didn't offer it up right away. Then she asked me who I want an appointment with. Well our doctor but I guess he is on vaca. I don't even think I know another doctors name there since we only see our doctor so I rolled the dice to see who we get this morning. It throws me for such a loop when things don't go the way I need them to go.
The first issue I have with all of this is that customer service is dead and gone and there are few who even remember what it was. That is a whole different issue that makes me want to spit nails.
The second is I wonder how often people have needed me, even given me some information and I hang my Gone Fishin' sign and say, "Oh, I'm on vacation." Maybe today I'll try to be more aware of the signs I'm hanging.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Saturday is the big day, Griffins 6th birthday party! I barely know what to say...
I asked Griffin since he is turning 6 what the 6 best things in his life are and heres what he said...
1. When Pegger and Susan took me to Disney World and I got to ride all the rides
2. Cartoons on tv
3. My blue blanket
4. I have the best little sister in the world
5. My mom is the greatest mom ever
6. Cooper is the best brother to wrestle with and I like it when he hugs me
Then he looked at me and said, "Mom, I need a number 7 because I love my daddy."
My Problem: Pity Parties
My Solution: Inviting everyone I know to join in
I am the Queen of throwing pity parties. Today is one of those days. I am in a rut of feeling sorry for myself because of MY situation and MY feelings. Now please don't say get outside of yourself and list ten things you're thankful for. I really do know those things, I think it is a little bit of I want to be on everyone else's list of ten things they're thankful for. I want everyone to know what I go through everyday and how stressed out I am. I want to have people say, "Wow you did that and you endured that, you really should have and S on your chest!" about the things I am fighting so hard not to write right now...ok I wrote them and deleted them, at least they're out there now.
I realize I don't know everything that everyone else does everyday and that I don't consider what everyone else is stressed out about. And I know I don't thank other people or appreciate other people enough. But this isn't about other people, its about me...
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I have thought through some things in my day, what I want to accomplish, places I want to go, books I want to read, food I want to eat, places I want to watch the sunset from. There is one thing I have not only thought through but pictured in my head, dreamed of, wished for, all but sent out the invitations and I am wondering if my brain is weird.
I have my ideal living situation planned in my head. It isn't the house or even the location, it is the people that I want to be my neighbors. I have decided who I want to live near and who I want to be close to me and my family. I know that I want her and her and them and him and them and her and them her and them him and them and them and them and her and him and them. Oh and the Franciscos because I miss them so much my heart hurts. I have planned who will be visitors and how long each of them will visit for, who will live there short term and who will be my neighbor for the rest of my days. There will be houses for people who I will encounter in a year or ten that need to be in my neighborhood.
It won't be a freakish sort of place, it will be a safe place for all the crazily different people that will live there. It will be a place for each one of us to do the work we need to do in order to be healthy, ask the questions we need to ask and do the searching we need to do. And it could be anywhere, it could be on the beach, in the mountains, in the country, almost anywhere. Even in NYC or Tokyo, although I'd never leave our neighborhood, I haaaaate big cities.
The bottom line is this, it is a fun, healthy, life-giving place. So many of the details don't matter, what matters is the community. The way that we love each other will be what matters. The way that we encourage each other, support each other, live with each other, that's what will matter. Can you even imagine? So is this weird?
I won't give up on living with my life loves but until that day, I will do my darndest to live that way now, to love the neighbors that were here when we moved in.
Oh and there will be a pool.
With a big twisty slide.
And water ping pong.
And a trampoline.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Well, Cooper is sick. Again. He seems to be our child that gets sick a lot but he also seems to be the child that is the happiest. Even when he has a fever and feels rotten, he still really wants to play and laugh and have fun. Then he realizes he feels puny, cries for a minute and then is back to playing. He really seems like he is choosing his attitude even though he feels rotten.
I wish I could do that. I wish I could choose to want to laugh and play when I don't feel like it. I wish I could love even if I don't feel like it. I wish it took me being fevered and lethargic to be harsh, critical and mean. Unfortunately it takes waking up in the morning.
I wish Cooper felt better.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I have had lots of experiences in my life, I had a tough growing up. I say that not to invoke awwws but to say that I have had lots of things, some not so good and some horrific, that have shaped who I am.
I realize that at some point I became very safe in my thinking and decided that everything is black or white. Part of my thinking in that was to protect myself and to keep myself safe throughout healing and being grown up.
All of that to say that as I am healing and growing up, I am realizing that there are many, many gray areas. I continue to hold to lots of black and white thoughts on black and white issues but these are not things that will keep me from loving.
There is one black and white issue that I will not be moved on. That is this, there is ONE Savior, ONE God, ONE Way. For me that means this, my goal is to love people, to encourage people, tell people about the Jesus that has saved me from incredibly destructive patterns in my life. My goal is to know Jesus and to be known by Him.
All the other things will be debated and fought over with or without me chiming in. And in comparison to my black and white it just doesn't seem to be important enough to spend my emotional cash on.
Friday, November 03, 2006
I had an awesome night last night. So many things went right and it was just a great night. Throughout the awesomeness, I realized a few things.
1 - No one looks worse laughing than straight faced. A smile is such an eye pleaser. People look so much better smiling! In addition, laughter doesn't lead to feeling worse. It is the best medicine you know.
2 - Laughter is catchy. I really think laughter, strep and the hiccups (or hiccoughs per one Pegger) are the only true contagious thing. Take a really not funny comedian for example and place laugh tracks around then suddenly a whole theater seems to laugh and not really know why. And no one laughs better than my 1 year old.
3 - Who ever came up with onomatopoetic ha ha? People don't laugh ha ha ha ha ha nor do they say hee hee. It isn't a guffaw or a chuckle or a chortle. Someone messed it up for everyone, way to go Einstein. Laughs are as individualized as the laugher.
So Chuckles bring on the funny.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Lots of emotions have been stirred in me in the last 24 hours...
I was having a conversation with a bff last night and this is what I don't understand. What is the difference between being self-involved/self-absorbed and self-aware? Can you be both at the same time? Where is the line that says, "I know this is about me but I think this can help the convo" and "I have no idea I am always talking about me"? I have a friend that is the worlds best at changing the subject back to her. It is insane annoying and sad and annoying. I wonder if there are people in her life that are people who can say to her this life isn't always about you. I don't think I am that person in her life, I haven't known her long enough and we don't have that relationship yet. Is it that there isn't anything to say so instead of air floating back and forth, people think I put words about me out there to float back and forth? Is it a maturity of life thing? Because I know it isn't age alone that brings self-awareness.
I wonder how much different things would look if we all thought before we spoke. Would we give life to a room or suck the life out? Would we encourage other people or promote ourselves? Would people enjoy being around us or walk away tired and frustrated? I think I lean toward the life breathing, encouragement side.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
This has to be quick, it is another sick day in our house and I smell a dirty diaper somewhere.
I wonder how conversations get misconstrued. What all plays into that? Is it inferring things or implying things or insecurity or defensiveness or just poor communication skills? I'm guessing some of us are better communicators than others. Some of us can really explain why the sky is blue and others of us can barely explain while wearing a blue shirt what blue is. How does the human relationship part fit in? Some of you are better equipped to answer the technical stuff of this so here's your forum.
I feel like several times in the last few days I have heard about or had conversations that I felt went so sideways and now I am not sure what to do with them. Hmmm...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
What a great day for kids. How can you improve upon dressing up as superheroes, princesses or cowboys and getting candy thrown at you from every direction? I guess you can make it better by feeling good.
Beware: this is kind of gross.
In the middle of the night, I felt what I assumed to be Griffin crawling in bed with us. He felt crazy hot so turned toward him just in time to put my face in his vomit. He continued to throw up for a minute or so and then the song and dance of cleaning him, the beds and getting people back to sleep. I DO NOT do throw up well or happily. In fact there were several points when after Sean found me with my head between my knees because I thought it was my turn next. The rest of the night, I listen for differences in breathing, any coughing or any movement and no one sleeps well. It stinks when our kids are sick.
So now our Dash isn't getting to go to school and it doesn't look like he will be trick or treating. This has turned from a sick I get to miss school day to the worst day of his little life.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Monday is the first class party for the Murphy children. A Pumpkin Party to be exact where costumes, punch and candy flow freely. I get to go and help kindergarteners decorate sugar cookies to look like spooky spiders. I thought I'd go get a room full of 5 year olds all hopped up on sugar at 9:30 am and leave them with their teacher for the day, I like to help out however I can.
It is hard to believe that I have been a parent for close to 6 years and overwhelming to think that there will be class parties for nearly 2 more decades. Moms with older children tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY that I need to enjoy every moment now because they grow up so fast. I nod and listen and smile and say I will. And I will, I am. But the thought of freer time, flushed toilets, a shower and silence are so appealing.
From the moment our oldest child came onto the scene, I vowed to enjoy the every moment, to not look forward or back and wish for another time. For so long I did so well, I think I need to renew that vow. It is hard to not long for what another persons life seems like when I am wrapped up in my own.
Next time I feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and tired, I will look into the precious faces I see and be so thankful that I am in a position to watch those faces change everyday. I will stop apologizing that my house is a mess, my hair isn't brushed, my kids still have their jammies on at 3 pm and are eating pb & j for the third day in a row. People will be made to feel welcome mopped floor or not. Then I will call another sweatpants clad, disheveled, unshowered mommy and we will comfort each other between spilled juice, dirty diapers and untied shoes saying, "You are a great mommy doing a great job raising great kids and you're cute too."
Friday, October 27, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Oh I'm so sleepy. I wish there was a magic pill I could take...scratch that, there is speed. I wish there was a button I could push to make me feel like I had slept the perfect number of hours for me. Cooper, Parker and I ran some errands this morning and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and I wanted to crawl into the little mini cardboard bed displays. Both kids fell asleep on the way home and I wanted to crank to radio and roll down the windows so they'd have to be awake since I had to be awake. I wouldn't be picky where I slept, just that I felt rested and awake and full of energy.
Sean and I went to Florida for a YL conference and stayed in this really nice hotel. These beds had featherbeds on them, down comforters, one jillion thread count sheets, and enough pillows that we could have gotten lost underneath them. Our schedule was pretty packed so at night I would fall into bed and go to sleep hoping that morning would come three days later. But there was too much to do, sunshine I wanted to see and the alarm clocks wouldn't let that happen.
I wonder how much I miss in my life because I am too tired, too preoccupied, too busy trying to recreate the Florida bed, too annoyed because I am tired, too busy complaining about being tired.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I didn't think I get a shower today let alone get time to sit at my computer but I just have to get this out.
I have had several great parenting moments and today was one. Two of the list toppers are that my kids love Chipotle and Graeters and that Griffin wants to wrestle. Today we are one step closer to junior high state champ, four time high school state champ, a full ride scholarship, OSU, PSU, IOWA, Iowa State, Oklahoma, any of those will do, and a four time NCAA champ. I don't think people realized how close Cooper was to being named Cael. Today, Sean signed Griffin up for the Lakota Kids Club wrestling program.
I think I may be the problem parent when it comes to sports. I have a psychotic competitive side that flares up every once in a while that you can see if you come to Peggys for a ping pong game. I want so badly to win, I want to be the best and known as the best. I don't want to do something if it isn't going to be great. I remember saying to Sean, "What is going to happen if our sons don't want to wrestle?" And he, the former wrestler, said, "I guess that wouldn't be all bad." I about frickin passed out. How could he say that? How could he abandon the sport I love! And then I realized that he may be the parent that cheers on their 103 pounder that could lose to a girl the same as the senior that can stare a guy onto his back.
I want to be a parent that loves my kids the same whether it is wrestling or chess. I want to love my kids whether they have all the accolades or get a participation certificate. I want to learn to support them whether it is what I want or what they want. I guess it comes down to loving in spite of their choices not because of their choices.
I think I know a parent that loves like that.
"You can tell for sure that you are now fully adopted as his own children because God sent the Spirit of his Son into our lives crying out, 'Papa! Father!' Doesn't that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you're also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance. "
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I have to tell on myself before I start this... I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. He had some whack jobs on talking about their in-laws and how absolutely horrible their relationships are. One mother-in-law is on the lam accused of trying run her son-in-law down with her SUV. Another mother-in-law said things to her daughter-in-law in front of her grandchildren that I don't think I'd even think about the wall nevermind a person. All that dysfunction led me to this.
I am coming off a great weekend. My in-laws came to town to surprise Griffin for his last football game, this after they had come the week before as well. It was all planned out that they would go home and leave our nephew, Connor with us for the weekend. I had waited to tell Griffin until Thursday because I would have been driven nuts by the, "Mommy how long til Connor gets here?" "16 hours Griffin." "How long now mommy?" "15 hours and 58 minutes Griffin." And that would have continued until the minute Connor got out of the car. Then Thursday afternoon, Griffins coach (the one Peggy asked if he had a girlfriend) called to say that the game had been cancelled because it was rainy and so cold (meaning the tailgate got cancelled and there are dozens of hotdogs jammed in our freezer but it is rescheduled for next Thursday.) All that runs through my head is the ensuing meltdown because I already told Griffin.
OK all of this to say I have the greatest in-laws of anyone. I have been saying for years and years that I am so lucky to have married into this family. And although I am oft reminded that I am not a blood Murphy, I still love them. It meant so much to Griffin and me as the mommy that they still came even though the reason they were coming was cancelled.
The weekend was packed with games, laughing and lots of food. But Saturday night was a night of division and I loved it. The boys stayed at 8868 and the girls stayed at 7430. It was Parkers first girls night and she loved it. It was a perfect night.
After dinner, I sat around the table with my aunts and they told story after story and we looked at family pictures, some just taken and some 100 years old. Apparently my aunt Susan has a bum leg that led to her first job. It was so fascinating to me, some many stories and so much Irishness. Some pictures I had seen before and others I was enamored with. I felt a whole new connection to the family I now call mine after seeing some of these. Seeing pictures of the lives I have heard stories about for so long made the pictures look different. My father-in-laws mother has a story unlike many others. She was a marine that bounced quarters off the sheets to see how well her grandsons made their beds. She was an only child and her mother passed away when she was young from an accident and her father took his own life. The eyes in the generations old pictures looked more quiet, more sad and so unlike the family I know. As the pictures moved through the years, the eyes began to smile and you can almost year the laughter in the pictures. I saw pictures of an absolutely gorgeous blond 20 something and immediately recognized the face as my mother-in-law. A mother-in-law who I will never question the way she feels about me, I know that I know that she loves me. I saw pictures of a sassy little baby that could be no other than Seans nutty aunt. I saw pictures of the most handsome and generous grandpa second only to my grandpa Curfman. Pictures of the greatest nephew and cousin to my kids. There were pics of my sister-in-law who I love to get mani/pedis with, go to fancy restaurants and talk about our Murphy men.
I realized that my oldest son and my brother-in-laws baby pictures will need to be labeled because I don't know if there are two babies that look more alike. Until I saw a picture of my father in law when he was about a year old. I stared and was almost speechless, it was like looking at my 1 year old today. It is hard to not get sad when I think about my father-in-law. He had some crazy cancer that took him when he was just 50. There are so many things I'd like to ask him, so many things I'd think, "So thats where Sean gets it." Some many times when I want my children to know this man and hear him sing the Unicorn Song.
The couple things I learned...
Number 1 - I realized I don't think there can ever be too many pictures. I need to take more and capture more memories for my kids, their kids and their kids.
Number 2 - I am not jaded enough to think that these people aren't flawed. But even so, these people have loved me and cared about me and been on my side as much as the Curfmans have. And even if my reasoning is backwards, through my kids I am a blood Murphy now, and I couldn't be happier.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
I am going to protest and stop using that debit card! I will not spend money using it! I will fight the Huntington Bank powers and not let them take my old debit card and give me crap instead and just sit there and take it. The fact that the debit card came in the mail but couldn't be used until it was activated is a whole other issue. Maybe the sticker on it that says activate by calling this number was only readable by me, like if someone stole that envelope or it got lost in the mail their eyes couldn't read the type because they aren't Annie.
Ok all this to say I wish it were that easy to stop spending money! And I wish the things that are good, healthy, life giving things weren't so expensive. For instance, say there is this conference in California that I know with out a doubt will change me. And say it happens to be $224 for a plane ticket and $70 for the ticket to the conference and $100 a night for a hotel? And say the food isn't included in the cost of the ticket so I guess I'd have to eat.
Grrrr. I'm annoyed. I want desperately to go to this conference. Or at least if there was this conference, say I'd like to go. It is hard to feel like I can't go because of the money. And then the pity party starts and all of the perfection of that long weekend away seems that much more perfect since I won't be there. Then it becomes hard to think, "I hate money." Which I do I actually like it and see the purpose for it.
OK so how can I make that San Francisco weekend in March happen this weekend in Cincinnati in October? How can I make it so the grass isn't always greener? How can I not live in what if' fantasy land?
And here is the part where I come up with my magical solution. I have no idea...
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
This isn't me penning the first chapter to some saucy novel, this was my night tonight. I got to go on a date with THE most handsome guy on the planet. I got to go on a date with the smartest, nicest, kindest, most caring, most creative, funniest man I've ever met. It just so happens that I am married to him as well. I was completely swept off my feet, again. It was like it was 1989 and I had just met Sean Michael Murphy for the first time.
All the stars must have aligned because my husband and I actually got to have an evening to ourselves. Anyone who has kids can surely relate to thinking, "Maybe we can grab a bite, be alone and sit in a quiet house in ... 2022". But it actually happened tonight.
(BTDub, Palomino is awesome. It is "European bistro with a Mediterranean flair". It was yummy and Seans steak was so good and we got a free dessert since it was our first time there.)
As we ate, we talked and talked and talked with no interruptions except to be asked if our meals looked ok or did we want more bread. No crayons being chucked at my head, no elbows in my rib cage, no screaming for more grapes. And without sounding like the second chapter of the saucy novel, it was like there wasn't another person there. I literally looked around the restaurant at one point and realized it was completely full and there were folks waiting for tables. We also had a little relationship check up. We both came with lists of 3 things that are good in our marriage and three things we feel like need work. There was honesty and realness and connection like I haven't felt in months and months.
As we sat at our table with our diet cokes and honest words, I actually cried. Anyone who knows me is rereading that and realizing that really does say I cried. It wasn't all out ugly bawling but there were tears. I think they came from things I have been learning and feeling lately and some of those things are still really raw and close to the surface. And the best thing is that my man didn't look uncomfortable or look away or want to run, he sat there with me until they passed and then we dug into our creme brulee that we learned we don't like.
And now the third chapter, as we sat there, minute after minute, I was falling head over heels in love with the man across from me again. There was nothing that mattered except him.
The greatest part of the whole night is that I got to come home to the home we share, the aunts we love and the kids created out of our love and I got to crawl into bed and hold his hand until we fell asleep (but then I had to pee).
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I was talking to a my friend Lizzie last night and here is what I think we came up with. It is amazing to me that we can be surrounded by people we love and who love us, in big groups or small, in a house full of people and still feel unfulfilled and lonely.
Is it just me that feels like that? It can't be. I know it just can't be.
Why is it that in certain circles, it seems like there are things that aren't supposed to be talked about? There are things that seem like you just don't bring up. I know I have some friends that there are certain topics that we just don't talk about to just keep the peace, to save our own face, to not rock the boat, to keep up with the Joneses. But recently in my life, there are things that I feel like need talking about and I am trying to figure out the right people to talk to about those things. I am desperate for a woman who is a little further along in life stage than I am. Someone who I can drill with questions and feel safe when I do ask things about how to do this life.
I have great friends of all ages who I can talk with about close to anything. I am wondering if the loneliness and waves of sadness I feel can sometimes be self imposed. I feel at times that there are things that "shouldn't" be talked about. I wonder if it is because of me being held captive by "woulds" and "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts" and "should bes" that I feel lonely. If I would step out and risk upsetting the status quo then maybe I can punch loneliness in the face. If we could start being real and talking about things that matter, maybe loneliness would be the only thing being left alone. If I would risk looking foolish and set my mountain of pride aside, then real, life changing conversations would start and sadness would dry up and loneliness would be lonely.
I am one of the lucky ones who has discovered that I am never really alone.
There is company, love and comfort if only I reach out to it.
"I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." (Joshua Chapter 1 Verse 5)