I was talking to a my friend Lizzie last night and here is what I think we came up with. It is amazing to me that we can be surrounded by people we love and who love us, in big groups or small, in a house full of people and still feel unfulfilled and lonely.
Is it just me that feels like that? It can't be. I know it just can't be.
Why is it that in certain circles, it seems like there are things that aren't supposed to be talked about? There are things that seem like you just don't bring up. I know I have some friends that there are certain topics that we just don't talk about to just keep the peace, to save our own face, to not rock the boat, to keep up with the Joneses. But recently in my life, there are things that I feel like need talking about and I am trying to figure out the right people to talk to about those things. I am desperate for a woman who is a little further along in life stage than I am. Someone who I can drill with questions and feel safe when I do ask things about how to do this life.
I have great friends of all ages who I can talk with about close to anything. I am wondering if the loneliness and waves of sadness I feel can sometimes be self imposed. I feel at times that there are things that "shouldn't" be talked about. I wonder if it is because of me being held captive by "woulds" and "shouldn'ts" and "can'ts" and "should bes" that I feel lonely. If I would step out and risk upsetting the status quo then maybe I can punch loneliness in the face. If we could start being real and talking about things that matter, maybe loneliness would be the only thing being left alone. If I would risk looking foolish and set my mountain of pride aside, then real, life changing conversations would start and sadness would dry up and loneliness would be lonely.
I am one of the lucky ones who has discovered that I am never really alone.
There is company, love and comfort if only I reach out to it.
"I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." (Joshua Chapter 1 Verse 5)
4 comments:
I think you figured out the answer to your own question. I think you're right in thinking that your "can'ts" and "shouldn'ts" are making you feel lonely. I bet that most of your friends would be open to the things that you are wanting to discuss... perhaps they even feel the same way and are also afraid to bring up certain topics. If for some reason a friend isn't willing to discuss something, then there may be lots of reasons for that. Maybe they aren't comforable, in which case they might say so and life will go on. Or maybe they are too shallow to discuss the things that you have questions about and you might want to reevaluate that relationship. My advice would be to just take a chance.
Talk it out...with whomever will listen. What is there to lose?
(But maybe keep the punching in the face to a minimum, even if it is in the direction of loneliness)
When a pain surfaces, it is sometimes good to acknowledge it and find out why it is there instead of dulling the pain thru other methods, including "ignoring it and it will go away".
Then move on with life and enjoy the little things.
I think you hit it when you hinted at people being real. It's hard to feel comfortable enough to drop your stuff on people who seem to have their lives together while yours seems a little messier or not quite so simple. And it seems like a lot of Christian women have that act down of being the perfect wife, mother, and just all around super-nice woman everybody loves.
Maybe they are...but I kind of doubt it.
I also think it's hard for women to admit they they have a lot of struggles, especially after getting married since there is this view by many Christian women that marriage is an end all be all kind of thing.
So, go break the ice, be real. I bet you'll find once you share and seek out advice, others have/have had similar struggles and experiences.
Alright I'm in. I love punching things in the face. I love being punched in the face (when it's necessary). Who we punching in the face first?
Should I bring a squeegy?
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