Status quo

Preface this with I know I am self involved.

I think I have aggression/anger problems. I get so worked up and frustrated about things that more often than not don't have anything to do with the price of beans. I don't know why I always feel like I need to be justified, to be right, to get the last word, but I do. I wish I could let things roll off my back but I can't. I wish I'd be more patient and offer love and grace more.

I am finding these things manifest themselves in different ways. I have spurts of road rage, high blood pressure, wanting to punch walls. I just don't know what to do with all of this. I want people to see things my way unless I am wrong in which case I need them to show me how I am wrong. But I get frustrated because I get so frustrated. I get so out of sorts because I want something so much better. I want to live for so much more. I want to be more and do more and make such a difference. And somehow I feel like if I get the emotional cash that I spend on anger and frustration together, I could spend it somewhere else that is so much more valuable.

I am frustrated and annoyed with myself. I wonder what direction God is pointing me toward. I wonder how He is using things and circumstances in my life to grow me up and what I should be learning. I just am not good with saying all of that and staying there. I need change, progress, growth. If I don't have that, I will end up in the same pits I have barely made it out of. I guess those are the million dollar questions and I guess now it is my job to lean in and get toward those answers.